Paul O'Grady
The Paul O'Grady Show

Most celebrities like to portray themselves in a good light in interviews. They gloss over their tantrums and rages, and come across as sweetness and light, however hard-hearted and vile they may be in private. Paul O’Grady is somewhat different. He likes to convince people he’s an old sourpuss, often referring to how bad-tempered he can be.

The truth, however, is quite the opposite: He’s an absolute delight. He is always polite and attentive to his fans, remains fiercely loyal to his production crew, and is never less than charming and funny. Ahead of a new series of his award-winning programme The Paul O’Grady Show, he climbed off his sickbed and still managed to dispense more charm and bonhomie in an hour than most could manage in a week.

How are you?
I’m awful. I was away the week before last, and whenever I come back from New York I’m always ill. It’s that flight. By last week I felt terrible, with flu. This morning, I got up, and I looked like something they’d dragged out of the bowels of a pyramid. You couldn’t even look at me!

Poor you – and poor anyone who had to look at you!
There isn’t anyone, thank goodness – they’ve all kept away.

Your series is about to return. At this stage, do you start getting excited?
I don’t get excited. Not a bit of it. You know that back-to-school feeling? It’s like that. I’m not jumping about clapping my hands – far from it. I know exactly what I’ll be doing the Sunday before. I’ll be listening to David Jacobs on Radio 2 and ironing my shirts for the show. But once I get back to it, it’s like I was never off, and I love it. It’s very strange. It just comes naturally.

So what have you been up to since the last series?
I’ve had a good time. I was home for Christmas, and I’ve been knocking out this book. I’ve got to get it finished. It’s like a millstone around my neck!

You can’t mean your autobiography? That was meant to have been done by Christmas!
I know. Lord of the Rings didn’t take this long! I wouldn’t mind, but they asked me where I was up to now, and I said, in deadly seriousness, “I’m 11.” They said “Hang on a minute – you’ve done nearly 70,000 words, and you’re 11?” So I’m doing it up to when I left Liverpool and moved to London. So the aim is then to write a second one, with all the showbizzy stuff. It’s too much, it really is! I’d go insane if I had to do it for a living.

Have you found it interesting, though, going back over your formative years?
I’ve found it very interesting. You find out things that were staring you in the face, but the penny never really dropped. It’s amazing what you don’t notice. Like, my mother was a dreadful snob. Dreadful. And I said to my sister “Do you think mum was a snob?” And she said “No! No!” And then a couple of days later she rang me, she’d been thinking, and she said “She was shocking!” But she really was. And up until the age of 11, I didn’t have a Scouse accent. I was beautifully spoken, because I went to St Anton’s, which was a private school. And then when I left that, and went to Corpus Christi, which was a secondary modern, and a bit of a sink school, all of a sudden I turned broad Scouse.

One thing that I was surprised to learn about you back then was that you were a boxer.
Yeah, I went to BAB – Birkenhead Amateur Boxers. But one day my dad said “You’re not going any more. You’re too violent!” My dad was a nice gentle Irishman, and he was having none of it. But yeah, I did used to box at school. I was good at it as well. I was in the marine cadets too, incredibly.

It doesn’t sound like you, somehow!
I know. But there’s just a side of me that loved it. I used to love doing the outward bound courses, and stuff like that. I’m on the way to world domination. I can handle any sort of weapon, and I can drive a tank. Just give us the keys.

There’s a scary thought. So what was Liverpool like back then?
Oh, it was great. It was a thriving dock back then. I was working in bars there, and it was like the League of Nations there, with all the sailors from all over the world. That’s where Lily was born. I was at a party on a Chinese ship, and when I went in to work the next day, somebody said “Oh, here’s Shanghai Lil.” And it stuck. So at the age of 18 in Liverpool, I was known as Shanghai Lil. And it stuck!

Writing an autobiography must make you reflective. Looking back over your life so far, what’s been the happiest time?
Well, in this book, which goes up to when I went to London, I’d say the teen years were the best. It was a time when you could leave one job on a Friday and start another one on a Monday. You didn’t really have any cares. I was living at home, everything was done for me. And I forgot how exciting Liverpool used to be. It was hopping! We were out all of the time – it was a real party atmosphere. I seemed to spend every night in a club. It was uncomplicated. You got your £10-a-week, gave £2 to your mum, went out and spent £2 on a Ben Sherman shirt, and the rest you’d spend.

Have you seen much of Abel [Paul’s grandson] lately?
Yeah, he came down for ten days. He’s gorgeous, he is! He’s 14 months – he’s crawling and stuff. He’s just a lovely little kid. He’s fascinated by his granddad, it’s bizarre. He got very clingy to me, while he was here. It’s nice, as soon as I’d walk in the kitchen, he’d put his arms up. My daughter would say “Oh, here we go. I can see trouble here!”

They always say grandparents and grandchildren get on so well because they’ve got a shared enemy.
The parents? It’s true, actually. They’re going away for a couple of nights, and they said “Would you mind him?” But I could hear by her tone of voice that this has been a great discussion. It’s not just been “Oh, I’ll ring him up and ask him”. It’s been “Can we leave the child with him. Will he be the same baby when we come back?” Never mind The Night Garden, I’ll have him watching Shameless when they come back!

Are you a fan of Shameless then?
Oh, I love it. Do you know who I love on that? Lillian. She’s the best. I only have to look at her and I laugh. I’ve asked Bert to get her on the show. I’m mad on her, I think she’s great. I bet she ends up on Coronation Street! She’s the type they could have quite easily.

How are things on the farm? How are the animals?
Oh, all right, the usual. Oh, the geestapo [Paul’s psychotic geese] have gone. It was too much. They’d wait for you to go outside, and then they’d attack. My legs were black and blue from the bites. And when the females were in season, my God, the Fuhrer would go mad if you went anywhere near them. So now a local farmer’s got them as guard dogs. They are so vicious they guard his orchards. I saw him in the village the other day, and he said “God, that Fuhrer’s a right one, isn’t he? He’s terrible!” It’s hilarious hearing this farmer calling him The Fuhrer.

Spring must be a pretty busy period for you on the farm?
Yeah. Last time I got more lambs than I bargained for, because one of the sheep had four. They said four wouldn’t survive, so I brought two in and bottle-fed them. I love it! But I can’t get rid of them when they grow. You get attached. So I’ve got nine sheep at the moment.

Of all the shows you’ve done, which have you enjoyed making the most?
I think this one, to be honest. I love The Paul O’Grady Show, it’s got the most of me in it. I’m just given a free-rein. And with the guests, I just ask the things I want to know about them. Although it gets to me after a while. I start to feel like an elderly relative, and they’re all coming to visit me and tell me what they’ve been up to. “Oh I’m just back from LA,” “Oh, I’ve just starred in a film” “Oh I’ve just released a new album” and I think “I’ve just sat here with a dog.”

Is it largely the same crew from one series to the next?
Yeah, it is, which is great. Everyone gets on really well, it’s really relaxed, there’s no tension. People who come on always comment about how laid back it is. There’s none of that panic in the studio.

Partly because when things go wrong, it adds to the flavour of the show.
Oh, it goes wrong every night. It can be chaos. Some nights I haven’t got a clue what I’m doing. Some nights I’ve got no social skills. I shouldn’t be out of the bedroom, let alone on the telly. And I say this on air. I’ll say “I’m not in the mood!”

Your style of questioning is always very friendly. You’re never rude to your guests, and you never ask anything overly personal. Is that intentional?
That’s my upbringing, that! I wouldn’t ask a good friend something too personal, unless they wanted to discuss it. I would never pry. I don’t think it goes anywhere. And it gets the show a bad name – people don’t want to come on if you’re like that. They’ll just be humiliated.

What do you think it’s like for people to appear on The Paul O’Grady Show, then?
I think the guests have a bit of fun. That’s all it is. Tell us what you’re doing, how you are, and then we’ll ask you something stupid. Then we might do a sketch or get you to take part in the organ game.

You recently attended Bruce Forsyth’s 80th Birthday. Do you admire him?
I love old Bruce. I’ve got a real respect for a proper turn. When he was 14 he was on stage during an air raid, tap dancing and playing the ukulele. You’ve got to admire that. And all the things he’s done over the years! He’s a proper turn, proper old school. I’ve got great respect for him.

Do you think you’ll still be doing TV when you’re 80?
Oh God forbid! I can’t see me at 80. I’d be like the Grinch. And my hearing aid would start squeaking, my teeth would fall out. I’d just sit there moaning about yobs and my home help.

Another show you’re taking part in is with Yvette Fielding. Aren’t you off to Italy to film some sort of Most Haunted special?
Yeah. I can’t wait. We’re going for four days. We’re going to Palermo in Sicily. We’re going to the catacombs there, with all these corpses hanging on the walls.

What are you going to be doing there?
Sitting in a cellar with a hand-held camera, screaming. I love it. It’s good fun.

Have you ever seen a ghost?
I couldn’t really say, but I’m open minded about it.

If you came back as a ghost, what would you do?
I think I’d be a poltergeist. I’d be one of those who’d just turn up somewhere and throw bricks at people!

Who would you haunt?
Oh, loads of people. I’d go through the papers to see who was getting on my nerves, and then I’d take off and chuck a couple of plates at them, and a few pans. Nothing malicious, just purely to tickle myself. I’d love that.

The Paul O’Grady Show returns on 17th March 2008: Mon-Fri, Channel 4 at 5pm.

By Benjie Goodhart