The
Teats kick off big style as Misty’s
Big Adventure take the piss out of them in their new video for
‘Fashion Parade’.
On hearing rumours of the next big band rivalry spat, I’m over
to Birmingham like the proverbial journalist up a drainpipe. I’m
told this could be bigger than Blur and Oasis, bigger than The Kooks
and Razorlight, bigger even than Posh Spice / Another Level and Sophie
Ellis Bextor… It could be huge!
Misty’s Big Adventure and The Teats have fallen out of sorts,
and like some eager beaver, wordy wooden spoon, I’m here to stir
their melting pot of creative fury. Several weeks ago, filming took
place for MBA’s new video to accompany their latest single ‘Fashion
Parade’, featuring on screen performances by The Teats. The song
according to deadpan frontman and self appointed ‘friendly dictator’
Grandmaster Gareth ‘is all about a band that buys a load of post-punk
records, rips them off and then makes a ton of money’. It’s
rare to see anything as much as a twinkle in this man’s eye, more
rather the look of a small beleaguered puppy dog begging for mercy,
but in contrast today his eyes are positively iridescent - he’s
been up to something.
“We needed to find a band that would play [the band] in the video.
The Teats played a gig with us a while ago. They were awful. So we instantly
thought of The Teats.” Gareth tells me, “I managed to get
in touch with their singer Charlie and told him we were doing a video,
we needed a band to be in it and would they be interested. It would
hopefully get on MTV and we might even be able to give them a bit of
money for doing it… He said he’d get back to me.”
“The next day, I got an email that was supposedly from their manager
Martin Hazard (though judging by the spelling mistakes I’m guessing
it was actually written by Charlie). It said that though they were friends
with Johnny Borrell and they were already ‘on the radar’
having had quite a bit of interest from EMI, they would do the video.
They hadn’t heard the song. I suggested they should, but they
replied it wasn’t necessary, they weren’t really into our
music ‘cause it’s a bit weird.’”
“The filming went without incident, but the day after we finished,
I received a strange text message that said ‘UR DED CNTZ’.
I had no idea what it meant. Erotic Volvo suggested it might be some
sort of ancient inscription. He always thinks things are ancient inscriptions.
But I started to worry it might have been from The Teats. And sure enough,
the same day, our manager Mathew got an email from theirs, Martin Hazard,
saying something along the same lines. They’d finally heard the
song, realised we were taking the piss and wanted the video withdrawn.
They also wanted more money and an apology. We did nothing. Except,
of course, finish the video.”
Now I’ve heard of bands clawing at each other over single releases,
backstage flaps and broad confrontation, but never before have I come
across a band having the piss taken out of them whilst appearing in
another’s video. This is hot stuff, so I finish my cuppa with
Gareth and immediately head over to find The Teats and seek out some
vitriol.
In Misty’s new video a remarkably familiar band is lurching around
the stage, performing for the camera and miming along to ‘Fashion
Parade’, they are of course, new art-rock band The Teats. With
their spray on jeans and stripy chain gang t-shirts they are very much
‘of the moment’ - so much part of ‘the scene’
and yet so ‘starkly individual’. I find Charlie Teat, their
already legendary lead singer slouched in his flat watching Jeremy Kyle.
The door is ajar so I let myself in.
“Fucking what?” he spits aggressively as I appear in the
doorway. Taken aback, I meekly explain that I’m a journalist.
“Fucks sake,” he mumbles. I’m no stranger to musicians
with arrogance towards the press so I boldly continue my introduction
and tell him I’m doing a piece on Misty’s Big Adventure.
“Do a piece on Misty’s? I’d take a piss on Misty’s,”
comes the venom, “but not if they were on fire,” he continues
after a moments thought. His wit and passion overwhelms me.
OK, so we didn’t get off to a good start, but this tune journo
has reasonable experience of dealing with embittered musical personas
and after a little ego stroking on the subject of his stylized manner
with a microphone stand, he softens up, clearly recognising a friendly
ear. I offer The Teats’ lead singer a cigarette and pull up a
pouffe.
Charlie, it appears, has good enough reason to appear like he’s
been through life’s psychological mincer a few times. Teat (his
true surname has been erased from history) is one of ‘The Branston
Set’, a clique of indie notables connected to the foetal days
of the early noughties scene. By the age of 17 his spiralling drug habit
had already taken him through several unpleasant band break-ups, many
of which still haunt him both behind the scenes of the scene and in
rivals’ song lyrics - an ex-band member from The Lutherans (who
cannot be named for lethal reasons) reputedly head-butted him backstage
this summer at Greed Festival.
“The thing about Misty’s Big Adventure,” continues
Charlie, back in his stride, “is that Gareth trades on the whole
- ‘John Peel called me ‘the new God’ thing, which
is just bollocks. Me, I’m the greatest songwriter of our generation,
and I think Gareth just wanted me in that video so he could bask in
my glory.”
“They’re just showing off, trying to be weird. They think
it makes them look clever ‘cos they don’t just play guitars
and they make weird noises… When I first heard this single, I
thought ‘fuck me!’ This record is the most horrible thing
I’ve ever heard and they’re just taking the piss out of
the scene, its obscene, have they not seen the scene!? If Gareth can
live with himself after that production, and if he feels like he has
to slag people off to keep up, then I’m sure his nights are long
and those moments of doubt are really painful… and don’t
even get me started on Erotic Volvo.”
I get him started on Erotic Volvo, Misty’s Big Adventure’s
hyperactive interpretive dance monster.
“He’s a disco fool; he’s like Gareth’s pet or
something. For a start, he models his style on me, it’s like they’re
just rolling over with their arses in the air trying to get 6Music to
fuck them. I hope they all get AIDS. Fuck ‘em!”
With this much bile flowing, I was inevitably lead towards the question;
why did The Teats take part in this video if they hate Misty’s
Big Adventure so much?
“Lots of money!” comes the reply. “But they fucked
us over, and we’re gonna fuck them up back. Nobody fucks with
The Teats. All our fans are spamming those fuck-badger arseholes…
we’ll fucking show them!”
The Teats are currently recording their much anticipated debut album
‘On Yer Radar’. Misty’s Big Adventure are putting
the finishing touches to their third studio album ‘Funny Times’
which is expected early next year.
by
Faz Joyhead
See the war continue at:
myspace.com/mistysbigadventure
myspace.com/theteats
Watch
the video
(Quicktime 7)
