In days of old when knights were bold etc… People who felt strongly
about a particular cause used to collectively sign their names on lengthy
scrolls. They would then gather those scrolls for the purposes of presenting
the petition to a higher authority in the hope that the sheer weight
of public support shown within would lead to the implementation of change
or prevent a proposed action. Many a time have bold groups of well-meaning
individuals proudly approached the front door of 10 Downing Street to
deliver box upon box of signed parchment.
But this is the 21st century, and we prefer to do things electronically
these days… if we can help it! And petitions are no different.
In 2006, after some bright spark decided it would be clever or make
them look good, the Downing Street website began beta testing a new
online way for the public to petition the Prime Minister.
A splendid idea, fantastic PR, and an enormous waste of time for one
sorry group of civil servants. Months have now passed since the launch,
and it’s been a tremendous success, it’s also been a bit
of a laugh. For we’re British, and we are famous for our love
of fair play, our freedom of speech, and our knack for finding opportunities
to be silly in the most serious of situations. We can also be pretty
damn stupid from time to time… Loads of worthy e-petitions are
gaining masses of support; but many more are being rejected by staff
because they’re just plain silly. Surely the original petitioners
meant well though, so The National Student has sieved through
swathes of pleas and pathetitude to bring you the very best rejected
petitions that Downing Street doesn’t want you to sign!
We the undersigned
petition the Prime Minister to...
-
just go now.
- show support for the British home improvements industry by repainting
the front door of 10 Downing Street in a new colour every spring.
- introduce a two-hour siesta into the British working day to be more
compatible with other countries such as France, Spain etc.
- create a subsidy to make cheese cheaper.
- make Walkers ‘Really Cheesy’ Wotsits more cheesy.
“Recently during a trip to Tesco, I came across Walkers new ‘Really
Cheesy’ Wotsits. When I got home I was shocked to discover that
they are actually less cheesy than the standard Wotsits. Please sign
my petition to make Walkers ‘Really Cheesy’ Wotsits more
CHEESY! I feel that it is the government’s responsibility to ensure
that such companies deliver the service that they promise to the UK
tax payers. By delivering a poor sub standard product Walkers are not
only letting themselves down, but more importantly their customers!”
- stop people creating white chocolate.
- teach every schoolchild to walk like a zombie as in Shaun of the
Dead or Thriller.
- give help to John Prescott so that he knows how to behave in public.
- demand a new series of Rainbow.
“I feel the prime minister should order that itv create a new
series of Rainbow with Geofrey Hayes, Bungle, George, Zippy, Rod, Jane
and Freddy.”
- ban people with annoying voices from being able to talk at work.
- slaughter every single badger within Great Britain and Northern Ireland,
British Overseas Territories, and any Marine Badgers at large within
UK territorial waters. Also, to not rule out strategic military strikes
against rogue badger elements harboured by other states.
- command the tide to go back.
- wear bermuda shorts on a Thursday.
- move the UK to a warmer climate.
- make Ben Shaw get his haircut and never let it get in such a state
again.
“Ben Shaw used to be a good lad but has been led astray by evil
forces. He needs to turn a corner and get himself on the straight and
narrow and by taking this drastic step his future will prevail.”
- stop denying that he dyes his hair.
- award himself the honour of the ‘Bell’!!
- make his final address to Parliament wearing only a nappy and a smile.
- give badgers the right to vote.
- answer all Parliamentary questions in verse during National Poetry
Week to encourage public interest in both poetry and parliament.
- create a Ministry of Silly Walks then ennoble John Cleese and give
him ministerial responsibility.
- be sectioned under the mental health act.
- convert Downing Street into a Yellow Brick Road.
- create a star-shaped silver badge bearing the inscription ‘DEPUTY’
to be worn by the Deputy Prime Minister at all times during the performance
of his/her duties.
- give Boris Johnson a state funeral.
“Boris Johnson is a national treasure and should have the benefit
of a fitting send off when his time comes.”
- allow free Biscuits to dunk in a cup of tea.
- make the first day of snow each year a bank holiday.
“Snow is a gift from God and should be enjoyed as such. Thus I
propose the first day of each year in which heavy snow is predicted
should be made a bank holiday with immediate effect, work being optional.”
- introduce an intelligence test that must be passed before being given
the right to vote.
- just, please, stop and think about what you are doing.
- wear a blue fright-wig, white greasepaint, a red nose, yellow braces
and oversized shoes to all public functions.
- appoint Steven Seagal as ‘Minister for Ninjas and Lowly Cooks’.
- agree that Westminster is a silly place.
- increase the number of beards in parliament.
- do a barrel roll.
- proclaim Cheese on Toast as the Official Welsh National Dish (Welsh
Rarebit).
- make me a cup of tea.
- provide every person of 70 years of age with a Grey Squirrel.
“They are very useful for jobs around the house; I managed to
get my piano upstairs with my grey squirrel last week; mind you I had
to use a whip! But the brave little fellow did manage to get all the
way up two flights of stairs. I think this is a super idea for keeping
these little grey ASBO rascals from harrasing the cute red squirrels!”
- make ‘Talk Like a Pirate Day’ a National Holiday and give
away free peg legs to those in need on this day.
- take Catherine Tate off the air by any means possible.
- ban tinned fruit in syrup.
- bring back blue smarties!
- resign and let Emily Gardner run the country.
“I reckon she should run the country because; 1)she’s proper
hot 2)she’s clever 3)she’s got one cool (in love) boyfriend
4)no-one would mess, she’s hard. 5)Last but not least, she’s
simply the best person in the whole country. nuff said. =D”
- make a Lotus Esprit available on the NHS as a cure for depression.
- make all people wearing rainbow jumpers able to get free chocolate
and pies on the NHS from the pirate pasty shop and Woolies.
- stop ‘Simple’ Simon Davis from dancing in pubs when drunk.
“Simon is too fat to dance properly when drunk.”
- allow free prescriptions for elderly badgers.
- create an international standard for the colour coding of crisp packets
according to flavour.
“There is currently no standard, international or otherwise that
governs the colour coding of crisp packets according to the flavour
of the contents. This can cause confusion and distress particularly
where cheese & onion and salt & vinegar flavours are concerned.
We believe the colours used should be clarified and made compulsory
for all manufacturers of fried potato snacks.”
- make Cadbury’s Creme Eggs twice the size and free on the NHS.
- supply vibrators to single women on the NHS.
“Sexually frustrated women are to be honest dangerous. I propose
that these women that are single for longer than 28 days should be supplied
with a vibrator from their doctor. If after 6 months they are still
single then they should be made to have sex with inmates of our prisons
which will reduce tension for both parties.”
- get in touch with Fosters for them to send me a 24 crate of Fosters
every Friday afternoon!
Submitted by Fosters Monster
“I have always been good to Fosters & it is good to me on
most evenings, I spend way to much on beer and collecting memorabilia
(or however you spell it) I have been a jolly good advertising gimick
for Fosters over the last few years whether it be wearing Fosters branded
clothes, using their name all over the internet & even walking along
the street with a can in my hand at many different hours during the
day! So I feel they should pay me back by kindly donating me a 24 crate
of Fosters every Friday afternoon. If this does not suceed then I will
cry and drink a hell load of Fosters!”
- kick Gordon Brown in the nuts.
- fund the research into an anti-zombie cure, for the impending zombie-robot-human
war.
- make Michael Schumacher illegal.
- put Gary Coleman up his nose.
“I just don’t know if this would be possible, but I’d
like to see him put the effort in. To be honest, I think if he started
out with a few fingers and that he’d probably manage it. I mean,
Arnie got that tracking device out of his nose in Total Recall and he
didn’t even have much practice for that. You gotta think Blair’s
better than Arnie, right?”
- relieve the boredom of women’s tennis by forcing competitors
to perform topless.
- nip round this weekend and give me a hand to put me new windows in
and paint the bog.
Submitted by el slobbo
“You really need to meet more members of the public and this would
be an ideal oportunity to do so. I’ll supply the beer and pizzas
just bring yer overalls and pick up a can of expanding foam from B&Q
on yer way here.”
- allow Englishmens homes to REMAIN their castles.
- sell off some of his houses as 5 properties seems a bit excessive.
- make all houses numbered 8 to be exempt from paying council taxes.
- give free houses (near a beach) to people called Mike.
Submitted by Mike of The Mike Corporation
“And also, give them a monthly income of 2 grand, a new sports
car every year, and some yum-yums weekly. Actually, make it 5 grand.”
- stop numpties creating petitions and posting them on internet forums.
- give us all a break.
“Because we’ve all had enough.”
- have the word horrid removed from the English language and all historical
remnants of it destroyed FOREVER!
“We want to ban the word horrid because we hate it.”
- force the Daily Express to admit that Diana, Princess of Wales, is
dead and there is no conspiracy.
“Day in, day out we see the Express run a headline saying that
the French are with-holding info on her death and that Prince Phillip
was responsible. This is utter rubbish and they should admit to the
world and themselves that she is dead and no amount of complaining will
bring her back....or make anyone buy their paper.”
- call into effect an immediate and wholesale ban upon the use of ‘emoticons’
in email and instant messages.
- have Internet Explorer destroyed for crimes against web sites.
- prohibit the use of the Comic Sans font in any formal documentation.
“Comic Sans is a font used on computers. It was designed to be
used to provide the text of comic strips for which it is eminently suitable.
It is not appropriate in any formal setting. It gives official documentation
a childlike feel. It should never be a mandatory font in colleges.”
- stop encouraging people to create daft petitions like this one.
Submitted by Kipper McFlipper of Flipper McKipper
- have public holidays in aid of Plum sauce.
Submitted by Peter Pablo of Pablo Corp
“I propose that a public holiday is created in aid of Plum sauce.
Plum sauce has given our country such joy over the years, and without
it more ducks would be alive. Support my national holiday by signing
my petition!”
- invade France, and hence provide us with a war we can all get behind.
“Let’s restore national pride and have a war we’re
sure to win and will be popular with everyone. After we win, we can
give it back and tell them we changed our mind and they’re welcome
to it.”
- make the wearing of Newcastle United shirts abroad an illegal act.
Submitted by Gareth Southgate
- create a legal MAXIMUM wage.
- demand the FA replaces Steve McClaren with Bungle from Rainbow who
could do a better job of managing the England Football Team.
- send cats to Iraq in medieval battle armour mounted on weasels.
“Troops in Iraq are dying, I feel it is time the domestic pet
paid us back for all the feeding and fussing they get, so they should
do some national service! Cats are smaller making them better at concealing
them selves against terrorists and can then pursue the enemy in their
knightly battle armour and slay them all.”
- proclaim One Hundred Acre Wood to be a Tiggerist Republic.
- reinstate Mr Cash as head of English.
- replace the Trident Missile system with Sharks with Laser Beams attached
to their heads.
“Replacing the Trident missile system with Sharks with laser beams
attached to their heads to have many benefits for the defence of the
UK. Sharks cost very little and can even self replicate thereby reducing
future defence spending. The planet is 70% water; sharks with laser
beams attached to their heads will be able to strike at every major
coastal city in the world. Their teeth will make great melee weapons.
They will not need costly bayonets. Due to the meaty construction of
a shark, at the end of its lifespan, the weapon will naturally decompose
without pollution. Being entirely natural, it is also carbon neutral
and so will be an acceptable choice for greens and other tree hugging
hippies. The psychological effect of this new weapon will strike fear
into the hearts of terrorists and Scottish Nationalists.”
- banish Jade Goody to a distant land far far away so she doesn’t
make an even bigger fool out of herself than she already has!
- make Britain into a Pirate ship.
- revoke the Independence of the United States of America.
- ban the manufacture and use of all weapons except water pistols.
- put a British monkey into space.
- give cats the same rights as humans.
“Cats should have access to biscuits and fish products, clean
fresh tap water, tuddly plud pluds, and stwing.”
- send an elite team of ninjas to the moon to combat the imminent Chav
invasion.
- impose a maximum weight limit for women wearing stiletto heels as
they pose a massive threat to other members of the public on dance floors
and in crowded bars nationwide.
“We, the flip-flop and ballet pump wearing females of society
are sick of bruised and battered feet which occur after a night out.
Fat careless women are standing on us and it really hurts! Stilletto
heels concentrate an already substantial weight in a small area creating
a hazard for all society. Please make it stop.”
- persuade Graham Coxon to rejoin Blur.
- suck a trifle with a straw while swimming in treacle.
- enter X-Factor.
- always refer to citizens of the United States as Yanks whilst they
persist in referring to Britons as Brits.
- turn ‘International Talk Like A Pirate Day’ into ‘National
Pirate Day’.
- officially recognise Pete’s mum as an official public resource.
Submitted by Artimis Xavier
“Sorry Pete, but this was toooooo tempting. And all I want is
for it to appear in the rejected list for you to see ;)”
- remove the green sweets from Starburst and to reinstate the Opal Fruits
brand name.
- ask Royal Mail to issue a set of stamps featuring John Craven, in
recognition of his outstanding services and contributions to British
life and culture.
“A living British man-god, John Craven would be featured on the
stamps wearing various jumpers and cardigans, and possibly sitting on
a country fence by some cows.”
- make Sunday the new Friday.
- pronounce 1st August ‘National David Hasslehoff Day’.
- make April 5th National Lisa Lashes day.
“In honour of her awesomeness as queen of hard dance.”
- get Mike some loving for his birthday.
- encourage Andrew’s Dad to grow back his moustache.
- make 50 Cent a member of the royal family.
- stop Christian from going to the wedding and missing the golf weekend.
- ensure the provision of cheese to people of democratic cheese eating
age.
- give freedom to Tooting.
- enforce nudism upon the people of Great Britain.
- sex a badger.
- allow every child to appreciate the joys of Corned Beef Hash.
“Kids these days... They want everything quick and easy which
is why microwave meals and chicken dippers have become such a hit. But
we’re forgetting one important dish... Corned Beef Hash! It’s
simple, cheap and satisfying, and even suitable for those on a diet!
We call on Tony & Gordon to make this great food a staple on our
dinner tables just like in the good old days!”
- make it legal to push a saveloy in and out of a big bowl of blancmange
whilst singing ‘Rock Me Amadeus’ by Falco.
“I’m not completely positive that it’s illegal but
as most fun things are I’m assuming it is.”
- recognise the Coogathlon as a full Olympic sport.
“Coogathlon is an hexathlon event consisting of bowling, poker,
darts, snooker and pool. It has been running for 6 years and deserves
full governmental recognition and allowed as an Olympic event.”
- urge for a statue to be built in honour of Charlotte McKenna, winner
of FHM’s High Street Honey’s Contest.
- revert the Snickers bar name back to Marathon.
- regulate the publishing of ‘autobiographies’ and other
books by sports people and minor celebrities.
- make Fridays naked hand stand day.
- make Devil worshipping on a Sunday evening illegal.
- invite his Cabinet to have a ‘come and try it’ session
with Ipswich Sub Aqua Club.
- eat chips and gravy with his friend on Valentines Day whilst standing
on a human pyramid made of cheerleaders.
- make ‘Being A Member of U2’ an arrestable offence.
“It’s really the only way anyone’s ever going to make
‘Bono’ shut up.”
- acknowledge that Back To The Future 3 is a better film that
Back To The Future 2.
- ban people from singing the Patsy Cline song ‘Crazy’ at
karaokes.
- make every 10th Sunday officially “Funday Sunday”.
- come to Jo’s birthday party.
Submitted by Jo
“We request the presence at Jo’s birthday party of the Prime
Minister. As one of his biggest fans she feels that his presence would
be fantastic. Jo also feels that all other invitees should come to her
party.”
- change the rules of football making it impossible to be offside if
your team is wearing a blue kit.
- change the national anthem to ‘Gonna Fly Now (Theme from Rocky)’
in order to better motivate our national teams and athletes to new peaks
of excellence.
- prohibit the eating of pies by the Deputy Prime Minister.
- build an Oreo Cookie factory in the UK.
“Oreos are a really nice cookie, but it costs a lot to import
them. If a UK factory gets built, it would increase jobs, allow more
tax to be given to the government from said sale of Oreos, and we the
public would have easier access to Oreos too.”
- change the national anthem to ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ by Queen!
- ban the use of the phrase ‘thats really got my goat’.
- give kite flyers a day off when its windy.
- use his influence to make The Three Legged Race, The Sack Race, The
Egg and Spoon Race Olympic sports for the 2012 London Olympics.
- ban the use of the phrase ‘at the end of the day’.
- only good looking females in thong bikinis should be allowed as MP’s.
- never let Phil Neville play football in an England shirt.
- remind the BBC that they have a duty to provide quality news coverage
in the morning.
- license the construction of a statue of Bruce Forsyth in Trafalgar
Square.
- bring dragons out of hiding.
- make Bill buy a round.
- kick Jade Goody out of the celebrity big brother house!!
- celebrate Easter on the same day each year.
“It will stop that incessant chatter by old people as to whether
Easter will be ‘early or late this year’.”
- introduce legislation that compels employers to hold a ‘Crossdress
Friday’ at least once each month.
- have a ‘Neighbours’ omnibus on Sundays for all to enjoy.
- supply the visually impaired with ‘Guide Badgers’.
- ban bald men in their fifties from dancing in a provocative manner
at weddings.
“These men are just making fools of themselves and are causing
a choking hazard amongst spectators.”
- ban the number 8.
- tell us where the pediophiles are. (sic)
- create a bank holiday when it snows.
- ban eating and sniffing on the train.
- ensure everybody pays NOT just the usual honest people.
- ban over-weight females wearing clothes that show too much flesh.
- make vampires a recognised and respected culture.
- deport Jeremy Kyle to Switzerland.
- not allow ugly women out of the house without wearing a bag on their
head.
- ask his wife to wear a burka more often.
- fine people who make stupid costly petitions.
- shave all his hair off then glue it all back on again with crazy glue.
- make Martyn wear spandex in public.
- send my wife a huge bunch of flowers to show how much she is appreciated.
- recognise Sith as an official religion.
- make Jack Bauer head of security for Britain.
- indulge Tony McNulty’s chicken fetish.
- help get me a divorce from Minnie Mouse.
Submitted by Mickey Mouse
- ban broccoli as an edible foodstuff and reclassify it as a toxic substance.
“Broccoli is ik. I dont like it. Or geography. I do like sheep
and pixies. They talk to me if I’ve been good.”
- get the writers from the Saw films to create sentences for
criminals.
- ban farts in public places.
- alter the Earth’s orbit to compensate for global warming.
Submitted by Slartibartfast
- do something about Bonsai Kittens.
- install a bronze bust of Fred Dinenage at the entrance to the Science
Museum in London.
- introduce compulsary unicycle riding lessons for the armed forces.
Join the fun at:
petitions.pm.gov.uk
